


disillusioned

by kaegays



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, One Night Stand (though it's mostly offscreen), Unrequited Love, also of kaoann but..... we all know the crush is canon, and Also unrequited., hints of kao/mob, implications of rei/mob and hajime being in a relationship, just a lot of kaoru depression hours, kanakao are soft friends you canot take this from them, souann mention for .3 seconds, suicidal implications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:54:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23363521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaegays/pseuds/kaegays
Summary: He’s not even upset, really. Maybe his chest is heavy, but it’s been like that.or: kaoru doesn't how how to deal with feelings, but at least he isn't really alone!
Relationships: Hakaze Kaoru & Shinkai Kanata, Unrequited ReiKao
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	disillusioned

**Author's Note:**

> hi. i forgot i wrote this like five days before the update. its kaoru angst from me trying to break down my writers block. take it! i'm trying to post my writing more. i write so much more than i post. except im not writing much right now. it is hard.  
> i didn't beta this but nobody is surprised  
> today i give u kao angst, but tomorrow? who knows :) (probably nothing tomorrow, but who knows)

Kaoru is not the smartest. Like, okay, he’ll readily admit that one to himself now. And maybe he’s kind of messy in dealing with his problems, a  _ little _ bit. But he didn’t think it was that bad. Probably.

Probably. But hopping into bed with a hookup that looks suspiciously like the person you’re infatuated with? Maybe a little out of control.

Definitely, definitely out of control, who is he kidding. It wasn’t exactly like he sought her out, but her red eyes and black hair certainly… Influenced his decisions. And sure, it’s not that… He  _ regretted _ it or anything, really, even if he feels kind of numb and the thought that he’d been wanting to save this for someone he actually loved makes him want to giggle, because isn’t that dumb?

He doesn’t have the energy nor breath to laugh at his naivete.

This was a bad idea, there’s not much dancing around that he can do, staring up at the ceiling of some grungy cheap place. She’s been asleep for hours, the clock reads 3:26 AM, and his only company is his own brain. Which, objectively, is the worst.

Okay, not even objectively, he’s just  _ so _ fucking annoying to himself. He knows that. Actually, isn’t he just annoying in general? Haha, yeah. He is.

He’s not even upset, really. Maybe his chest is heavy, but it’s been like that. He lolls his head to the side, tracing his eyes over the curves of her hair, her neck, her shoulder blades. She’s definitely a girl, despite everything, and it’s not like he hates that. He likes girls. But that doesn’t stop him from letting his eyes close and, just for a second, indulging in the illusion of what  _ Rei _ would look like in this situation, with his hair dishevelled and cascading onto their bed, the sharp edges of his bones in full view, sheets barely hanging over his thin body.

And then he opens them, and sears the truth of reality into his eyes, takes note of how she’s too curvy, has too much of an ass, skin not pale enough, hair artificially curled and falling apart rather than naturally messy. He rolls over so his back is to hers, and reaches for his phone-- It’s not on the nightstand, though, and even though he’s sore and kind of dizzy and doesn’t want to move, the need to burn the fact that Rei isn’t his into his brain is stronger than any complaints his body screams at him.

He dresses himself while he’s at it, finding it in the back pocket of his pants and immediately pulling up where he knows the posts are, talk of how happy everyone is for them, how they’re expecting, how Hajime’s 5th anniversary is coming up, how Anzu and Souma have been making eyes at each other.

He remembers there being jokes of a  _ Kaoru-kun Waiting List  _ floating about, when they were younger. It feels like he’s the only one waiting though. He doesn’t fault anyone, not really-- There’s nothing to really like, past his looks, he’s so insufferable, and he took so long that he couldn’t have expected any of his classmates to still be pining if they ever even did. Anzu never reciprocated, and Hajime was always too sweet for anyone to resist, and Rei was…

Well. The only thing to hate about him is him being condescending and obnoxiously nosy, really. Everything else about him is perfectly fine, the asshole.

...He shouldn’t resent other people for his own failure to turn out a half-decent person, he knows this. One more character flaw for the pile. It’s not like his anger or frustration will last, anyway, he’s allowed to feel something fleeting.

The point being it’s natural for him to have someone else notice him romantically, and though they always joked in a way that was a little too flirtatious, Rei had never truly made any obvious moves; though Kaoru knows he wouldn’t have reacted well, at the time. Maybe once they’d graduated, but five years passed without anything happening, and in those years Rei found someone who did appreciate him.

He kind of fucked up. Or, no, he  _ really  _ fucked up and maybe it hurts a little to know he really can’t do anything right in a relationship, and maybe he kind of wants to cry over all of this, but does he even have room to feel heartbroken? And like, isn’t he an adult, isn’t it childish to feel so hurt and rejected and tossed aside by something like this?

He swallows hard, and decides that sticking around for a girl he doesn’t even know the name of isn’t quite as important as running away from these thoughts. Every second spent in his own skin makes him feel a bit like dying, and at this rate he might really fall back into the hole of thinking about how nice it sounds to dive and never come back up for air, to just sleep amongst fishes that don’t know about any of his horrible choices or any of the reasons the bad things around him are his own fault.

He has enough wits about him still to lock the door behind him and leave her her keys, sure, but after that it’s a bit of a blur and a scramble to just get as far away from the scene of the crime as possible. Touching himself is one thing, but this is starting to go too far when he was supposed to have gotten over it years ago. The chill of the night bites into his skin in a way that he really doesn’t like, but it keeps him grounded while he struggles to take breaths that are deep enough to keep him from passing out in an alleyway.

This fucking sucks. If only he weren’t so stupid and way too attached. He should’ve just told him to fuck off years ago, man, what was all that distancing for if this still happened after high school…?

...Who is he kidding, he’s hopeless enough that this was inevitable, there was no avoiding this in the first place. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stuuuupid. The bright lights slowly vanish from his view, he vaguely acknowledges, and soon the familiar smell of sand and salt water paves the way to pulling him out of his head, if only just barely enough.

He’s not sure how long he spends there. At first he just stands just out of reach of the waves, breathing deep and closing his eyes, just clearing his head and taking in the ocean air. Eventually he takes his shoes and socks off, digs his toes into the sand to try and stay on the planet because while dissociation would be a distraction, it makes him nauseous at the same time and feels horrible and makes him think about how death would feel preferable to that sensation.

He’ll inch his toes within reach of the waves, and once that gets too addicting he’ll dip his toes into the water fully, and then he’ll pull his pants up a bit and sink his feet into it. It’s cold, he really hates the cold, but it’s refreshing and gentle and relieving in a way he can’t really get anywhere else. He’ll roll his pants up to his knees and stand to step into the water because just his feet isn’t enough. He’ll walk more and more into the deep end, because it feels nice, until he’s up to his waist in the water and staring at his reflection, dragging the tips of his fingers across the surface and watching the image tear apart and ripple away, barely recognizable as himself.

He’d wanted to take steps to go in deeper, but the sand crunches and crumbles, and the voice that calls out to him in a quiet “Kaoru~” is reminiscent of the water itself, soothing and cool and free-flowing, and who is he to ignore that? So he looks over his shoulder, and sees bright green eyes and a soft smile, hand held out in front of him as he lets him know that he means for him to take it, asking of him “‘Please’ come this way, it’s not yet ‘time’ for the water to ‘reclaim’ you.”

...He can’t concretely explain why he listens, not really. He can’t easily explain why he leans forward and falls into his chest, either, nor why he reaches up to wrap his arms around Kanata while his eyes begin to sting and it’s all he can do to restrain it to just a whimper. He feels long fingers brushing across his back in comforting circles, and no amount of shutting his eyes tight can stop his tears.

It’s pathetic.  _ He’s _ pathetic for crying like this, for not being over anything at all, for not having gotten any better like anyone around him. But Kanata, ever forgiving and benevolent as he is, doesn’t condemn him for his feelings nor his actions. He can’t be sure he even understands or knows, but Kanata somehow just always has a way with things. A lithe hand reaches into his hair, fingers running through the layers of his mullet and massaging little encouragements into his head, and like a touch-starved fool he nudges his head back into it, snivelling and hiccuping like a child. “I hate this,” so his voice cracks on saying, “I feel like shit…” he continues, a hiccup almost turning into puking on Kanata, which he would hate even more than he hates the actual crying, honestly.

He allows himself to be led away from the water, and when he’s pulled down onto a bench, he’s all too eager to curl up to his side, shivering and shaking, and leans into the warmth of Kanata’s arms when they wrap around him. “‘s cold,” he starts to mumble, trying to burrow even deeper. It’s not like Kanata cares about getting wet, and he doesn’t seem to mind it. Clingy fucker, though Kaoru really isn’t better. “that was dumb of me…” he finishes, and while it’s only a tiny little chuckle, things feel that much more  _ normal _ if he can get something like that instead of nagging about how he has so much to live for or whatever. “Maybe a ‘little’ dumb, but that’s ‘okay’~”

And really, what a refreshing concept that is, that fucking up and doing stupid shit because you’ve been having a bad week(month, year, years) is okay. Too bad this whole being soaked from the waist down thing sucks and feels gross and he can’t stop hiccuping or sniffling and it’s too cold and his eyes and chest hurt and he feels like he might fall asleep and just sleep this whole issue off this time(again). “I guess so..” He settles for, instead.

And all is quiet, peaceful, not quite okay but it’s better than before, because he’s not  _ alone _ this time, has someone with him, a dear friend and someone he’s never really been all that uncomfortable with, at least not as much as anyone else. There’s no infatuation to this one, just warmth and a feeling that maybe he won’t die without a single friend. He’s got a way with words, sure, but he’s truly too insufferable for any normal person to deal with.

His breathing slowly, surely, evens out again. They simply bask in each others presence, or that’s what he’s been doing anyhow. Nothing’s quite as awful as trying to work through these episodes on his own.

Except plenty of things are, but instead of lingering on that he reaches a hand up into Kanatas mullet and asks “Dude, what shampoo do you use? Your hair is way too soft for someone who drenches it in salt water and chlorine regularly.”

It’s quiet, but that’s fine, because he’s still heard and Kanata hums like he might maybe be thinking about it, but then he shrugs and gives a stupid non answer of “It’s just ‘like that’?” and Kaoru wants to be annoyed, maybe he would’ve been if he were in a better mood, but he just smiles weakly and leans his head onto his chest as he calls him out on “That’s bullshit if I’ve ever heard it.” despite the pouting protest of “It’s not~ I am telling the ‘truth’.”

He’s… Glad that he’s here.

“Has Kaoru ever thought of ‘travelling’?” Comes out of nowhere, though, and while he lifts his head and raises an eyebrow, Kanata continues on with “Kaoru could use a ‘vacation’, probably~”

And you know? A vacation sounds nice, getting away from everything to just  _ breathe _ sounds nice, it does, but… He doesn’t really want to go alone, and it’s not really getting away from it all if he just invites Rei or something, is it?

“Hrmm… I’ve been to California if that counts, I guess~ But that was when I was a kid and it was for staying with my grandmother, soo… A trip sounds nice though~ Hmm, I’ll think about it, mkay, Kanata-kun?” Isn’t a lie really, it’s all true, it’s just that ‘thinking about it’ doesn’t exactly mean he’ll do it. And Kanata’s expression reflects this understanding of the fact, puffed cheeks and looking a little bit spoiled and grumpy, but he blows all the air out at once and laughs, smiling when he says “That’s ‘fine~’, as long as Kaoru ‘feels better’ he can do what he wants. Just ‘say the word’ and I will ‘grant your wish’~”

Sometimes it’s almost easy to forget, but then he makes a comment and a joke like that and he’s left to scrunch up his face and groan, complaining about him making light of weird shit while Kanata is just amused and his face looks a little brighter than before.

...Watching the sun rise, he thinks maybe things aren’t as bad as they feel.

**Author's Note:**

> my dms are open @kaegays i'm always happy to chat or answer questions!!!  
> gomen for this whole fic.


End file.
